Family Friday (vol. 44): Dear So-and-So Letters

Dear Chicago drivers,

Sorry, not sorry. Do you derive satisfaction from driving slower than the speed of traffic in the left-hand lane? Because you might end up with my Explorer in your TRUNK next time. You had never seen road rage like that before, huh? Yeah, don’t drive like an idiot when there’s a matter of minutes determining whether or not my kiddos were going to be awake by the time I got back to Michigan. I enjoyed vacation, but mama bear was READY to see her cubs.

Tailgating without apology,

Mama Bear

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Dear all-inclusive resort-goers,

I judge your food selections. If you show up to a brunch offering anything and everything, including every Mexican delight ever, and you order EGGS AND TOAST – judged. Live a little, try something new. It’s not like you have anything to lose. Literally. The trip is already paid for. EYE ROLL.

Love,

The foodie RD

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Dear traveling and pumping mothers,

O’Hare International Airport is very accommodating to our “needs”. It remains that airports in Mexico could not be any less accommodating to our “needs”. I’m not sure what the best part of our trip was, but the worst part was most definitely squatting to avoid the bathroom floor of the airport while pumping in plain sight of those entering both the men’s and women’s bathrooms while within ear shot of the hungover spring breaker puking her guts out.

Piper, I love you. A lot. Clearly.

Grounded until further notice,

Traumatized mother

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Dear Piper,

While on the topic of breastfeeding…why must you be so complicated, child? I’m grateful you breastfeed at all, but it is seriously a chore to get you to do so.

My shiny engagement ring will distract you. Literally. Rings and FitBit removed prior to nursing.

You snack like I’m your popcorn and everything going on around you is your movie. FOCUS.

Your teeth are like little puppy teeth. Razor sharp. Ow. Put those puppies away, kiddo (pun intended).

I have to snuggle you into limp noodle status before you’ll relax enough to actually nurse (see shiny object syndrome and preference for snacking above).

Breastfeeding is like this tip-toeing dance with you. Between my aforementioned pumping situation in Mexico coupled with my part-time job supplying ice to my pumped milk to check in my bag heading back to the US, I’m definitely committed to the cause.

Love you (clearly),

Mom

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Husband,

I was so excited to come home to clean sheets on the bed! Then you promptly hopped between the sheets after a day of travel and use of how many public bathrooms?!

Stay on your side of the bed for the next 2 weeks, dude.

SMH,

Disgusted wife

That’s all my complaining for now 🙂

Be well,

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